Chaos, panic, disorder.

I guess I kind of have lost track of life. Lack of having good people, good words, good things, around me. It is the monotony,the urge to make others happy. That strange feeling of being in no mans land yet being with the same faces all day.There is chaos, panic, disorder and all parts of me trying to figure why isn't life just about a cup of coffee and words to live by, or a glass of champagne and a gorgeous evening, or a can of beer and we dance all night long on strange tunes.The smell of a fresh novel, the kiss that happens between the eyes before the lips touch, the drive to pick up your favorite food. Have they all lost meaning to me?Or were they just escapist activities for me?I know. It is kind of weird. I mean most of the time I am tying to escape from the fact that there is no monotony. 

But there is, I guess. It still is, all around, everywhere.

Actually I really don't know what do I have around me
there is boredom
there is anxiety
there is terror
there is freedom

it is like a hay why of everything

and I am just trying to figure out my calmness in this chaos.

They drain me. They suck out ever drop of patients, love and bliss from me and then wonder where I disappeared. All I need is to be left alone. I need to refill myself. I don't want to be the ears for someone who has never heard someone else's voice. I don't want to be the one who quietly accepted.
I want randomness.
I want weirdness.
I wanna be lost and never be found.
I want to do something that makes my soul happy.
I wanna grow young without a hand.
I just want something from life everyday. Just a hint of serendipity, a kiss and good work. That shall help me survive.
For just once I want to understand what I want. And then I shall let the chaos be left alone.

Yes, there is a lack. There is a lack of alot of things in life right now but majorly there is a scarcity of words to describe my emotions.

Admit

Being a girl she knew it. The way he looked at her, tried to find ways to talk to her. She always caught him staring at her.

So what was it? 

Every word she uttered seemed to offended him in some way. Never did she intend to hurt him but now with all that he had done to her, she hated him.

He loved her. He knew he did. But was never ready to accept it. It was as if a sin for him to love. He hated himself for falling for her.

I hate him. I can't stand his face, he speaks and I don't understand the sort feelings that I start to generate. The worst part to all of this is the fact there is no way out. We work together. I have to face him everyday. He is my boss, I need to listen to him and follow his orders. But whatever I say, offends him and then he wouldn't lose a chance to make me feel like a burden or a shame.

Everywhere around I always got attention. The good one. Everyone always loved me and compliments were something I was used to. But he, only put me down, let alone complimenting me.

I felt bad and I felt hatred towards him. And I knew he did too. He hated me.

But why, why then he would always be looking at me? Why would he always look at me while talking to the crowd? He had something in his eyes that always drew me towards him.

I know I felt for him, and now I hated myself for it. His eyes, they always caught me and I couldn't ever look away. His hair like that of a Greek God's how I wished to let my hands once through them, just once.

I hate him and I hate myself more than anything, for falling for him.

I love her. Her smile, how I wished I could click a picture and keep it with me forever. Everytime she flipped her hair, I skipped a heart beat. Everytime she walked passed me, I couldn't breath. As bright as the sunrise and as deep as the ocean, it was as if her eyes always talked to me. 

Falling more in love with her was what I did everytime I saw her.

No, no , no I can't. I hate her, how can  I fall for her? The love of my life left me.

I don't believe in love. Love does not exist. It is just an illusion for people with weaker intellect. It has taken me over a year to get over the fact that I was cheated on. There is nothing like love. Lover is just someone who takes advantage of you and leaves you when they are bored.

But she, there is something else about her. She is an angel. It is as if she wears a halo.

No, I hate her existence. 

Never will I let her know what I feel. She is responsible for all that I feel, she is at fault and I hate her for that. Her care and even her, trying to smile after the way I treated her.

I love her and I hate myself more than anything, for falling for her.